In his TED Talk How to Tame Your Advice Monster, Michael Bungay Stanier highlights something many of us have experienced but rarely identify: the constant urge to jump in with advice. He calls out the ways we interrupt, offer solutions too soon, and assume we know what others need, often without actually listening. And he boldly delivers the harsh truth: our advice is not as good as we think it is.
Instead, he urges us to be better friends and leaders by staying curious for longer. Stanier’s appeal, while not a new idea, is much easier said than done. In fact, it echoes timeless wisdom found in the book of Proverbs, which often champions listening, reflection, and humility over hasty speech. It takes practice and discipline to fight our instinct to speak first. While Stanier uses the example of giving advice to friends, the same principles apply in work situations, romantic relationships and evangelistic conversations.
Here are four ways in which the discipline of staying curious for longer has enriched my discipling, my friendships, my response to disagreements, and my approach to making decisions with others.
Thoughtful Discipling
Whether in ministry or at work, I often find myself jumping in too quickly, offering advice, feedback, or direction before I’ve fully understood the situation. I’m so keen to share my experience or my familiarity with a challenge that I don’t give space for the other person to fully process or reflect. I need to hear the rebuke of Proverbs 18:13: “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.”
In one-to-one ministry, this approach gives people the chance to wrestle with truth, to be gently challenged without being told what to do, and to move forward with greater clarity and confidence. As someone who often processes things out loud, I’ve experienced how freeing it is when someone helps me think, rather than thinks for me. I’m learning that I can offer the same to others, simply by choosing to stay quiet a little longer and asking a thoughtful question.
Thoughtful questions do far more than delay advice; they empower. They invite the other person to reflect deeply, consider different perspectives, and reach conclusions for themselves. Asking “How are you feeling about this?” or “What would you like to see happen?” shifts the focus away from my advice and toward their growth. It helps them explore their own thinking, while still feeling supported.
Deeper Friendship
As I think about my most valuable friendships, they are rich in open, questions, probing questions, and follow-up questions. Friendship thrives on curiosity. A friendship without questions stays easy and surface-level, while thoughtful, challenging questions digs deeper and establishes real connection. Taking the time to understand our friends helps us to stay other-focussed and be a good friend to them, not just making it about us. As Proverbs 20:5 says: “Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”
I was reminded of this through Sam Chan’s video series on evangelism, where he encourages people to become better question-askers in everyday relationships. In one story, Sam reflects on a missed opportunity with a friend. He’d been so focused on what to say next, he failed to notice a moment where his friend was ready to open up. His advice? When someone shares something meaningful, respond with “Tell me more.” It’s a simple phrase, but it opens up the conversation far more than a reciprocal story or comment does. While Chan was talking in the context of introducing friends to Jesus, I’ve found that asking gentle relevant follow-up questions strengthen all friendship contexts and create natural opportunities to share life and faith in meaningful ways.
Productive Disagreement
My default in disagreements has often been to shut down or change the subject, not out of indifference, but from fear: fear of getting it wrong, or of the other person having stronger arguments than me. But avoidance rarely leads to resolution, and digging in without listening doesn’t help either. Instead I have been learning to speak up, but in a wise way—“When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Prov 10:19).
Staying curious for longer has helped me find a middle ground and makes for a much more productive conversation. Rather than seeing disagreement as a battle to be won, I can see it as an opportunity to understand my conversation partner better and to be challenged. Asking questions like “What do you mean by that?” or “Why does this matter to you?” shifts the goal from being right to being receptive. I will then have a better understanding of the other’s position and a better context in which to respond. Even when we don’t land in the same place, I walk away from conversations knowing that I’ve honoured the other person’s perspective and we’ve been able to learn from each other.
Meaningful Decisions
In both work and church leadership meetings, I’ve seen how quickly discussions can become a flurry of opinions, each person eager to contribute their angle before the topic shifts. I get it. Time is limited, and each person’s input is valuable. But when everyone’s rushing to be heard, the best ideas can get lost in the noise. We can end up just being like the fool in Proverbs 18:2 who “finds no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his own opinion.” Then those in the meeting end up making snap decisions without real perspective and careful synthesis.
I’ve found that staying curious, especially in fast-paced meetings, requires intentional effort. It means holding back my instinct to jump in and instead asking questions like, “What’s your thinking behind that?” or “Can you give an example of what you mean?” I often feel bad for slowing down the conversation but it invites others to bring more than just a surface-level view. As a result, we have more thoughtful conversation, a fuller picture of the issue at hand, and often a better decision. On top of that, we achieve better understanding between team members, paving the way for future conversations.
Slow to Speak and Rich in Understanding
At its core, staying curious is about valuing understanding over assumption. Whether we’re navigating friendship, leadership, disagreement, or decision-making, curiosity fosters humility. It helps us connect with others, acknowledge we don’t know everything, and move forward with greater wisdom and empathy.
Michael Bungay Stanier’s encouragement to stay curious for longer isn’t just a communication tip, it’s a posture that reflects the kind of people we’re called to be: slow to speak, rich in understanding, and generous in listening (Jas 1:19). As Proverbs reminds us, there is wisdom in replacing our speaking with listening. In the spirit of staying curious, let me leave you with a question: How are you going to stay curious for longer?
