Part of a series ‘Raising the Bar on Youth Ministry’.
He was head of the Business School at the university down the road from our church. His daughter came to youth group and during an annual parent meeting, I asked how she was doing. In response, he told me a story that went something like this:
“When I was doing my PhD at Stanford, every year they’d invite tech entrepreneurs who were about to have their initial public offering to a lecture.
“‘How many of you think your company will succeed on the market?’ the head of Stanford asked these keen Zuckerbergians.
“Everyone put their hand up—they all thought their company would make it.
“But half of the companies would fail. They were told why: ‘You know your company really well, better than anyone. But the New York Stock Exchange knows all the companies better than you do. So, while you think your company is doing great, the NYSE knows all the others and can tell the difference between those that will make it and those that won’t.'”
At that point he turned to me and landed the plane: “You’re like the Stock Exchange, right? While I know my daughter better than anyone, you know all the kids at youth group better than I do. So you tell me: How do you think she’s doing?”
We then had one of the best chats I’ve ever had with a parent. He understood that I had a unique perspective to offer as the youth pastor. In that spirit, I dare to offer the following advice to parents of youth group kids.
Consider Our Unique Point of View
I have a narrower mandate than you as a parent. My role is to train and equip my fellow leaders to so proclaim Christ that we present everyone mature (Eph 4:12, Col 1:28). We’re going to work our butt off doing this, sharing both the gospel and our lives out of love for these teens (Col 1:29, 1 Thes 2:8).
Sometimes it looks like we’re doing something else because this mandate is carried out differently with youth than with adults. The fun of teenagers is that they’re both children and adults, and neither at the same time. Just like kids’ church has colouring in and puppet shows, youth groups have table tennis, games and pop music. But just because youth work looks fun, it has a very serious goal. All of us are on a journey of milk to meat (1 Cor 3:2, Heb 5:11–14). Just because youth group includes plenty of fun and games doesn’t mean we’ve slidden off into unhealthy fast food. We’re serving them up healthy food, just arranged in the shape of a smiley face with extra tomato sauce.
When parents don’t appreciate our ultimate mandate, they ask us to run a Christian social club, to help their kids find like-minded partners and friends. I’ve been asked to dial down the Bible to make youth group more appealing. I’ve had kids leave to more vibrant groups. But like a soccer coach who cares about the whole child, but whose primary role is to help them to get better at playing soccer, when we look at your kid, we are primarily looking at them through a spiritual lens. My work as a youth pastor is to train a group of leaders to help your kid prepare for the return of Jesus. We do care about everything to do with your kid because the gospel affects everything. But in the end we care about one thing: their eternal wellbeing.
Please work with us and give feedback to us with that goal in mind.
Own Your Family’s Decisions Around Diary Demands
We know you have crowded lives. Yet we all have the responsibility to own our timetabling decisions, rather than fall victim to them. Many things in every family’s timetable are a choice. If you own your family’s decisions and you communicate that with us, then you are inviting us into the conversation, as it relates to spiritually caring for your kids.
If you say, for example, “We’ve chosen to prioritise sport at this time,” we can then explore how we can help your teenager be discipled at other times and in other formats. We can even pray with others at the youth group for the evangelistic opportunities they’ll no doubt have. We can recommend books or a school lunch time group to help them engage with other Christians and the Scriptures.
Owning decisions and opening a conversation around the implications of these decisions means that one choice doesn’t unintentionally undermine the more important choice to continue to grow as disciple of Jesus.
Thoughtlessly crowded timetables are the main way I’ve seen parents neglect the spiritual wellbeing of their children. It’s no good hoping your children will be Christian, but not making every effort to make that as likely as possible, instead allowing more and more commitments to crowd their diary. Yes, it’s tough to prioritise. But when you’ve wept with as many parents of twenty-year-olds who aren’t with the Lord as I have, the alternative is tougher.
So in the busyness of life, we’d love your family to also be busy with the gospel. The main diary demand on all of us is the impending return of Jesus. Please communicate that to your family in your weekly timetable.
Sometimes It’s Not Our Fault
Please know that sometimes we’re hamstrung as youth workers. We know you have full lives, we know that communication is important, and early communication is helpful. But please also know that sometimes (read: most of the time) the youth worker is not in the decision-making meetings.
Let’s say in June, the senior pastor decides the Christmas timetable. In October the senior team decides who preaches when. Then in November someone has the idea for a youth choir. Then, on the 23rd of December the youth worker is told that we’re having a youth choir, and can she (she can’t, but will do so anyway) email all the parents, get thirty youth to the Christmas Eve service to sing ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’ in a six-part harmony.
When we email very close to an event, sometimes we are being inconsiderate, forgetful or lazy. However, lots of the time we’re making up for issues out of our control, and we don’t want to blame your pastor and our boss (and future reference writer). Or the campsite has double booked. Or the speaker forgot. We’ll try our best to get organised and give you as much notice as possible. Still, sometimes it’s not our fault.
We Know All Kids Better Than You Do
You do know your kid better than we do, so please tell us about them. Tell us how they like to learn—are they a visual or a verbal learner, or whatever kinaesthetic means? Do they like small quiet spaces or lots of room to run around? We’ve got a lot of kids to care for, but that doesn’t mean we can’t adapt for your kid’s needs and preferences.[1]
At the same time, we also know all the kids better than you do. Just because your kid doesn’t like the thing we’re doing at the moment doesn’t mean it’s not be right for the group as a whole. Sometimes our experience of running youth groups means we also know that, given some time, most kids will come round to a change we have made.
Please do send us an email, or come up to us at youth group pick-up or after church to let us know what they are struggling with and what they enjoy. But also know, we might not be able to do everything on your child’s youth group wish list, because there may be another parent wanting the exact opposite thing to you.
We Welcome Your Encouragement
Lastly, as with many ministry roles, we are often in need of positive feedback and encouragement, too. There is a great opportunity for parents here. In some cases, the senior pastor rarely attends youth group or gives much in the way of feedback, positive or negative. It’d be a shame if the only time a youth pastor is thanked is at their farewell morning tea.
[1] This is especially important when it comes to youth with special needs. In these cases we are obliged to be flexible and proactive to make our youth group as inclusive as we can.
