Part of a series ‘Raising the Bar on Youth Ministry’.
For twenty years I had opened biscuit packets, rolled out foosball tables, written talks, put out decks of UNO, prayed, and then opened the doors, hoping some youngsters would show up. I never understood why parents found it hard to bring their kids. We had a great a night planned, we were good at what we did—just tell your kid to come and we can sort out the rest. Easy!
But then, about eighteen months ago, it was our turn to be on the other side of the door: our little baby girl was going to youth group for the first time. For years parents had emailed me saying that their child didn’t want to come, that they were finding it tough, and I’d snort and mutter that when I was a parent my kids would be at youth group every week. But now I found myself in a tangle of persuasion, bribery and demands. Struggles those parents I’d scoffed at no doubt knew too well.
I would do my youth work years all again if I knew how nervy it could be for parents. Even if you were a not-terrible parent. Even if your family were decent when it came to church attendance. Even if you opened the Bible most breakfasts. And so it was that night, after promises of unicorns on pancakes for breakfast if she went, and with reassurances that it’d be great and she’d enjoy it, I opened the door and in she went. It felt like a fork in the road.
Now I not only know what it’s like to be a high school teacher and church youth worker. Now I know what it’s like to be a parent of a teenager. Now I find that I have things I want to say to youth workers as a parent.
Thank You!
Firstly, mainly, thank you. Thank you for all the hard work. The positive Christian influence of youth leaders a few years older makes a huge difference in our kids’ lives. It is a blessing for them to have a safe place to be able to talk about Jesus with someone other than their parents. Thanks for giving them plates of healthy spiritual food in their progress from milk to meat—yes, with as much tomato sauce as you can squeeze on their plate. Thank you, and sorry that we don’t say it enough. Thank you.
We Have a Different Point of View
We’re trying really hard with our kids, and our kids are really trying, too. We might put on a brave face and make it look it easy, but it’s not. We love your fervour for our teenagers’ discipleship. In fact, we want this Christian thing for them more than you do. But we view them with a wider-angle lens. Not every missed Friday night is them falling away. We have the same big aim: for them to have eternal life in Jesus. But we also need to feed them, get them through school, attend Granny’s birthday, balance their range of emotions and energy levels. Both you and we are aiming for them to be Christians for the rest of their lives. But being a teenager is just one six-year phase in a lifetime. There’s nothing more important than Jesus, but there is more to life than youth group.
All this other stuff we’re doing helps your ministry too. You want them to have non-Christian friends they can invite to youth group? To be able to play an instrument in the church band? To become junior youth leaders? Kids are who they are in youth group because of the rest of their lives. So give us some room to manage the rest of life; making us feel guilty about the odd absence isn’t helping. It’s great you have one narrow mandate for my kid, like a soccer coach, but we parents have lots of other biblical mandates to attend to as well. We’re still on the same page, but we’re looking at a footnote on that page as well, while you get the privilege of just focussing on the heading.
We Are Managing Complex Diary Demands
It’s busier as a parent than I interpreted it to be when I was looking on as a youth worker without kids. Yes, there is a great deal that is within our control; we are responsible for our family’s choices and priorities. But there are things outside of our control, like medical appointments, extended family politics, a sibling busy with other ministry commitments. Then we’re also busy with all sorts of random things like trying to find a Where’s Wally costume for World Book Day (would you believe they’re notoriously hard to find?).
We do want to make youth group a priority for our kids, but we need your help, especially with proactive advance communication. We know nothing about youth group if you don’t tell us. And we are less flexible the less notice you give us. Here’s a rough guide for how much we probably need:
- For a week-long camp: a year’s notice;
- for a weekend camp: a semester’s notice;
- for a day away: a term’s notice;
- for an evening away: a month’s notice.
Giving us advance notice wherever possible will avoid the disappointment that we’ve booked a holiday during your camp or scheduled a party on a key date.
Monthly Emails and Term Fliers
A weekly email is probably too much for busy families, but a monthly email might help—if it contains the stuff I need to know. Keep in mind that my teenager may bring along a friend from a non-Christian family. Please write your emails with them in mind.
As for term fliers, one simple request: can you please work on the titles? As I glance at the fridge door, trying to motivate a tired, reluctant, introverted teen out of the house at 5:24pm on a Friday, ‘April 4th—John 4:1–26’ is not very inspiring. Help us out, a little. Better something like: ‘April 4th—What Jesus would say to Taylor Swift’. We can work with that. ‘Hey, youth group looks good tonight! Let’s get out of our uniform shall we, Monkey?’
We Know Our Kid Better Than You Do
Yes, you know all the kids better than we do. You even see bits of our kid that we don’t. But we know our kid better than you. So ask us. When you can, make the time to meet up and talk to us. If you’ve noticed one thing about us parents, we love talking about our kids. We’d love to talk and pray with you for our kids.
I realise parents can be intimidating to youth leaders, but can I tell you a secret? You’re kind of scary, too. You are often our kid’s heroes, we sometimes feel old and tired and out of touch. Approaching you can be intimidating and can tap into our insecurities. When we drop off and pick up our kids, if you can signal to us your openness to talk, we would appreciate it. If you can, recruit some older youth leaders, who can also help bridge the gap.
It was a nervous two hours putting the other two kids to bed, pretending not to worry about how things were going at youth group. At 8:30pm I loitered outside the door with the other parents, playing it cool; inside I was nervous to find out how it had gone. The doors opened and our baby girl was about the fifth kid to exit. Fifth, I found myself worrying, was that a sign she had made friends? Or was she hurrying to get out, never to return? She had a scowl on her face as she came up to me. Oh no. She came up and held my hand to walk home. ‘You were right Dad, it was good.’
I don’t know what the future holds for my kids and their faith, but that felt like a step forward, a win for the church and for my kid. I was so grateful that night for all those heroes in the building who invested their Friday nights in the lives of other people’s children.
