Parenting a child with special needs is not easy and is often misunderstood. I have four children, and three of them have special needs. All different. It’s hard. It can be tiring. The love we feel for all our children is greater than we could have imagined before having kids, and seeing one of them struggle with things that other children, and parents, take for granted is heartbreaking. The sadness I sometimes feel watching my children struggle, knowing they will struggle in the future with such simple things, can seem like a heavy weight settling on my chest. I question decisions on how to help them best, I research, I patiently try to do what is best. My mother heart worries that they will be teased, that they will be hurt and their self-esteem will take a hit. And in my lower moments I worry what other parents will think of me.
One thing I do know, however, is that without our heavenly Father this journey of parenthood would be so much harder. God gives me strength, he gives me patience and, when I am feeling overwhelmed, I turn to him for strength. Many truths that flow from knowing God are a comfort to me. Here are just a few.
My Children Are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
We are all made in God’s image. I hold on to this firmly as I parent my special needs children. God made my children exactly as he planned.[1] My children were planned and loved by our heavenly Father before the beginning of time. He has a plan for my children and all things work for the good of those who love and fear him (Psalm 139, Romans 8:28–30).
Our Father Loves My Children Even More Than I Do
For a little while, he has entrusted my children to me. My job is to help my children as best I can, but I can not change God’s design. I can not ‘fix’ things, I can only help my children to the best of my capabilities (Heb 12:4–11). And the most important thing I can do, regardless of his special needs, is bring him up to know and fear our Lord (Eph 6:4). God can, and will, help me grow through all this—to trust him more, to have patience, peace and a joy in holding on to the most important truths. As I live these truths every day, I also bear witness to them to those around me, including to my children.
God Knows Our Future
I can get overwhelmed as I worry about what the future holds. It is my role to make the best decisions I can now, trying to decide which battles my children can face and which are simply too hard for them right now; what is the best course of action to take to help them and what are their needs right now. When this gets too overwhelming, when I lose sight of what is most important, I need to turn back to God and pray—pray to our Father who knows our paths, mine and my children’s. Proverbs tells us that in their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps. (Prov 16:9). God has his loving hand on my children and will establish their steps. My children’s future is known by God. When it all gets too hard and I worry too much, I need to hand my worries over to him and come back to the troubles of the here and now (Matt 6:25–34, Phil 4:6, 1 Pet 5:7). I can focus patiently help and love my children now, knowing that God will look after us into the future.
My Children Are Stronger Than I Think
My job as a mother is not to take all the troubles away, although there are many times I desperately wish I could take away their battles with the everyday hurdles they face. My job as a mother is to be there when they need a cheerleader, when they need support, to comfort them when they fall, and to encourage them to get back up and try again to the best of their abilities. My job is to be their strength and their ear, to show them love and pride, and to direct them to the One who is infinitely stronger than I. There are times when my heart overflows with pride at all that my children battle with and overcome, things that other children and parents take for granted. There are plenty of other children and parents out there battling with much more than we are.
I can be encouraged by my sons. Not only that, when I look at their strength I need to remember they are growing into men and this strength is exactly what they needs to live their lives. They are learning to work hard for things, they are learning to persevere, and they are growing in strength—lessons learnt in harder ways than many, perhaps, but important lessons that will stand them in good stead. May they grow up to be patient adults, friends who knows the value of perseverance and who have an inner strength that can be relied on.
This journey as a mother of children with special needs can, at times, exhaust me, make me question my decisions and question my ability to be the best parent. Yet, with the strength of our heavenly Father, I can be the best parent for them. These children, who have the fingerprints of God all over them, are loved so much by me, and even more by their heavenly Father, so I can rest, knowing that my children are held safely in his hands.
[1] This recent article Laura Hurley explores some of the complexities about how we think of neurodiversity and its relationship to creation, fall and new creation.
