In recent years it has become taboo to talk about the differences between men and women, especially those that appear to reflect negatively on women. Some people fear that any admission of difference will lead to discrimination against women and the limitation of their freedom. Another concern is that any generalisation about men and women could become a harmful stereotype used to justify mistreatment or exclusion. Finally, many people have become reticent to articulate any general gender differences lest they alienate those whose experience or expression of gender is atypical.
Most Christians agree that men and women are different, but very few are comfortable explaining how they differ. For some, this is because they do not want to go beyond what they consider the explicit teaching of Scripture. Others assume that any generalisation made about men and women must be a damaging and universalising stereotype. In this article I want to suggest that when gender differences are carefully observed, explored and discussed it is actually helpful. It can lead us to appreciate one another, help each other, work well together and, ultimately, give glory to the God who created us.
I grew up in a family where gender stereotypes were consistently overturned. My mother was (and still is) a full-time career woman who climbed to the top of the corporate ladder in a traditionally male field—construction. Mum would come home complaining about the men she worked with, listing off the things that men were simply incapable of doing—just like she’d read about in the classic book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. My sister and I would question, “But what about Dad?” (who is the opposite of your ‘typical Aussie bloke’). Mum would just laugh and reply, “Oh he doesn’t count!”
Having no brothers, and a dad who “didn’t count”, it was quite a shock when I got married and ended up with four sons. Sometimes I did feel like I was in a house full of people from another planet. The way my husband tended to approach parenting didn’t make sense to me. And the way my sons thought, played and communicated often baffled, even upset me. So in my own family life I have found it immensely helpful to learn about the general differences between men and women, boys and girls, mothers and fathers, so that instead of being baffled, frustrated or disappointed by the males in my life, I can start to appreciate and rejoice in our differences.
It’s Okay to Observe Reality
It is important to recognise that there is a significant difference between a stereotype and a generalisation. A stereotype is an absolute exaggerated categorisation of an entire group of people, with no room for nuance or exceptions. For example, “Germans don’t have a sense of humour”, “Women are intuitive and empathetic” or “Men are better at maths”. A stereotype usually implies a judgement of one group as superior/inferior to another or an evaluation of an individual’s behaviour as normal/abnormal. Such statements can indeed be harmful. By contrast, a generalisation about gender differences is simply an observation about what is generally true for most people, usually based on extensive personal experience and/or scientific research. Importantly, there is no “ought” to be derived from making a general “is” statement about men and women.
Journalist and author Louise Perry explains the interplay between generalisations and stereotypes:
Almost no one is a walking gender stereotype … But this kind of anecdotal evidence does not disprove the claim that there are some important average differences between the sexes, and that at the population level these differences have an effect. We can insist simultaneously that there are plenty of exceptions to the rule, and moreover that there is nothing wrong with being an exception to the rule, while also acknowledging the existence of the rule.[1]
In his classic 1980 book Man and Woman in Christ: An Examination of the Roles of Men and Women in Light of Scripture and the Social Sciences, Stephen B. Clark offers several qualifications for making generalisations about men and women: they should be stated descriptively, rather than evaluatively; they are not universal absolutes, but averages; both sexes possess every trait, but generally in different relative strengths within the same social group; there is no difference in intelligence, skill or ability; in some instances the differences should be controlled, rather than maximised.[2]
For example, rather than saying “Men are bad at expressing their feelings”, we can say “Most men tend to distance themselves from their emotions and may find it more difficult to talk about them.” Rather than saying “Women shouldn’t hold combat roles in the armed forces”, we can say “The average woman will be especially vulnerable in the context of on-the-ground combat or capture.” Rather than expecting to achieve a perfect 50–50 gender balance in all fields of work and study, we can acknowledge that on average boys and girls, men and women will generally be inclined towards different interests and occupations. As long as individuals can freely pursue their chosen career without discrimination, it is not a problem per se if the caring professions are predominantly female or the STEM fields predominantly male.
Complementarity in the Bible
We find ourselves in a fraught environment, where it is taboo to name any specific differences between the sexes, particularly those which are perceived to disadvantage women. And yet Christians have every reason to proclaim that gender differences are real—in fact, they are a good gift from God to help us fulfil our human vocation and show the world a picture of the gospel. Complementarity—the union of distinct, yet interdependent entities—is built into the fabric of God’s creation. In the beginning, God made heavens and earth, day and night, land and sea, sun and moon, and finally, he made male and female in his own image (Gen 1). God formed Adam from the earth for the earth—to rule over it, work it and take care of it. God built Eve from Adam—as a helper fit for him, a co-worker in his mission from God and co-regent over creation (Gen 1:26–2:25).
Only together, in mutual dependence, could man and woman live out God’s command to rule and fill the earth. As the Bible’s storyline unfolds, we see—mostly descriptively rather than prescriptively—that man would take the lead in ruling and working the earth, and woman would take the lead in cultivating the life of the household and community (reflected, for e.g., in Gen 3:16–20).[3] Men would be the “head” of their family and community: taking ultimate responsibility for those under their care and representing them to the wider world (Gen 18:19; 1 Cor 11:3; Eph 5:23; Eph 6:4; 1 Tim 3:4–5). Of equal importance would be the women at the heart of every family and community: binding it together with their love, hospitality, wisdom and service (Prov 31:10–31, 1 Tim 5:9–10, Tit 2:4–5).
We might expect to see general differences between the sexes that are fitting to these created purposes. Learning about the ways that men and women are generally distinct, but interdependent, when carefully and critically examined in the light of biblical truth, can enhance our ability to reflect the kind of complementarity for which God created us. It can enrich relationships between men and women, not only in our marriages and families, but also in our churches and workplaces. Understanding gender differences helps us to develop a better appreciation for one another’s strengths, especially where they contrast to our own. It benefits our shared mission when men and women learn to contribute not merely in respectful equality but also according to their complementary abilities and inclinations
When we are challenged or confused by the behaviour of a person of the opposite sex, it is more constructive to seek to understand how his/her way of seeing, thinking, relating and behaving may simply be different to ours, rather than inferior. Understanding the different weaknesses and temptations that generally afflict men and women can also equip us to better counteract them and strive for godliness together.
Christians can delight in the complementarity of men and women, not merely in their biblically prescribed roles within families and churches, but also in the way it appears that God created them, in general, with different strengths and weaknesses, orientations and inclinations that equip them for those roles.
Complementarity Points Beyond Ourselves
Sex differentiation, especially within marriage and parenthood, also has a grander significance. God has chosen to reveal himself to humanity in terms of gendered relationships. He is our Father, rather than our Mother (although motherly imagery is occasionally used of God or Jesus), which is significant. The complementarity of man and woman in marriage is another one of God’s chosen images to symbolise the gospel of salvation. Throughout the Old Testament, God described himself a faithful and forgiving Husband to Israel, jealous for their undivided love and loyalty in return. Idolatry was the equivalent of spiritual adultery; unfaithfulness in marriage distorted God’s ideals (Hos 1–2, Mal 2:11–16). When the time came, God sent Jesus, the Bridegroom, into the world to redeem his Bride, the Church, by shedding his own blood for her (Eph 5:21–33). Jesus is now making his Bride ready for their heavenly wedding day and making his Father’s house ready for her (Jn 14:2–3; Rev 19:7–9).
So also in Scripture the virgin (man or woman) evokes the purity of church set apart of Christ alone (2 Cor 11:2, Rev 14:4); the widow or the childless, the hope of resurrection (Is 54:1–8). Jesus is not only our Bridegroom, but also our Brother—the perfect Son who opened the way for us to become sons and daughters of our heavenly Father and brothers and sisters of one another.
For this reason, men and women symbolise different things, especially within family relationships, regardless of what they do or don’t do personally. In the words of Abigail Favale:
there is a givenness to our bodies; they are inscribed with sacred meaning that is not determined or constructed by our whim. Bodies speak the language of symbol, with or without our permission.[4]
When we look around at human cultures throughout history and across the world today, we see an awareness of the meaningful differences of our sexed bodies and consequently a tendency to accentuate, rather than minimise the differences between men and women.[5] In our diverse individual relationships, human beings reflect the ‘types’ of Husband and Wife, Father and Mother, Son and Daughter, Brother and Sister that are built into God’s universe.
As Christian men and women, filled with God’s Spirit and called to loving unity in the body of Christ, we can be open to our natural differences (in their varied individual manifestations and cultural expressions) and work with them for the glory of God. Men and women can rely on each other in mutual dependence, sharing our gifts and working to overcome our weaknesses and temptations. When we do this in our families and churches, it will show the world the beautiful complementarity that is built into God’s creation and lies at the heart of the gospel: the Father sent his Son into the world to redeem his Bride, the Church, and make her ready for their heavenly wedding day.
Helpful Resources
Think Theology Conference Talks on ‘The Future of Complementarity’.
Andrew Wilson ‘Beautiful Complementarity’, TGC.
Alastair Roberts, ‘The Music and Meaning of Male and Female’, Primer.
[1] Louise Perry, The Case Against the Sexual Revolution (Cambridge: Polity Press, 2022), 51. Alastair Roberts says similar: “Each of the specific differences in question, viewed separately, are typically modest in size, have many exceptions and are only tendencies, yet related together they constitute markedly distinctive and dimorphic sets of family resemblances for each sex.” “Natural Complementarians: Men, Woman and the Way Things Are”, The Calvinist International, 13 Sep 2016.
[2] Man and Woman in Christ: An Examination of the Roles of Men and Women in the Light of Scripture and the Social Sciences 3rd ed. (Bloomington: Warhorn Media, 2021) 383–5.
[3] God’s judgements on the man and woman in Genesis 3:16–20 assume some pre-Fall differences in their spheres of primary ministry, but simultaneously reveal that these creational vocations, as well as the relationship between men and women, have been frustrated and distorted by the Fall of humanity.
[4] Abigail Favale, “Sex and Symbol”, Church Life Journal, 19 June 2018 (emphasis original).
[5] Clark, Man and Woman, 424–5.
