The Bible values marriage. The Bible also values singleness. As Sam Allberry says, ‘Marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency’.[1] Paul’s argument in 1 Corinthians 7 is a key text which supports the view that marriage is good, but optional.
‘If you do marry, you have not sinned’, Paul says. In fact, earlier in the chapter he encourages married couples in their mutual love and service of one another. But, Paul also says to the Corinthians, ‘I wish that all of you were as I am’. That is, he wishes they were all single. God designed both marriage and singleness to bring him glory.
Marriage is often idolised … When singleness is viewed as something to escape from, compatibility is thrown out the window. Desperation creeps in.
However, that is not the prevalent attitude of the Church. Marriage is often idolised. This has plenty of damaging consequences: unrealistic expectations are set for marriage, single people feel excluded and community is centred around biological families, with little room is left for anyone else. There is another consequence too. When singleness is viewed as something to escape from, compatibility is thrown out the window. Desperation creeps in.
For those living with that sense of desperation, there is a certain line of teaching that might sound appealing. It says that it doesn’t much matter who you marry. Obviously, they need to love Jesus. They should probably attend church relatively regularly. Maybe they should be kind. But anything else is a very optional extra. After all, ‘No marriage is perfect’ and ‘We all marry sinners’.
There is a huge, and potentially toxic, misunderstanding in this line of thinking. Recently, I was visiting a small church plant overseas. I got talking to a woman, there with her husband and children. At the end of the conversation she said to me, ‘I just feel like I need to tell you this. Wait for the right husband. Wait for someone who will lead you, minister to you, work with you. Don’t settle’. This got me thinking. If we are committed to the biblical view of marriage, then compatibility matters.
The biblical requirement for choosing a spouse is fairly simple: someone who is a follower of Jesus. But, there is further biblical wisdom we can draw on. Proverbs 31:10-31 paints the picture of a desirable wife:
A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it’.
A good woman is hard to find. That’s because she is a particular woman, a good one. The chapter then goes on to describe all kinds of attributes this woman has: kindness, good financial sense, generosity, beauty and more.
The biblical requirement for choosing a spouse is fairly simple: someone who is a follower of Jesus. But, there is further biblical wisdom we can draw on.
In Song of Songs, 5:10 a young woman describes her ‘beloved’. ‘My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand’, she says, ‘he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my friend’. That is the sound of a woman deeply in love. She is attracted to her beloved, compelled. He is her lover and her friend. He doesn’t meet the basic requirements, he exceeds them. She is delighted by him.
Why Compatibility Counts
If we lower our standards while dating, we will undermine the beauty of marriage and the goodness of singleness. If singleness is good, then marriage is optional. So, if we choose (and have the opportunity) to marry, we should do so with wisdom.
I’m not married. But, according to every married person I’ve ever met, marriage is hard work. That work is rewarding, exciting and sanctifying—but it is hard work. Compatibility matters because marriage is hard enough, you don’t need to make it even harder by marrying someone you aren’t compatible with.
Marriage is also wonderful. It’s a shadow of the love of God himself. If you marry, marry someone you can delight in. You will have more dinner table discussions with this person than with anyone else. That thought should excite you. Does it?
Problems on Both Sides
Having said that, it is important to note that while ‘compatibility’ issues may be a normal part of marriage, abuse never is. Domestic violence is never condonable. The call to endure ‘disappointment’ is not a call to endure an unsafe relationship.[2]
A Balanced Approach
I think the key to a balanced approach to this issue might be this: we need to re-think what compatibility means with God’s purposes for marriage in mind. Let’s think about compatibility as that which will help us model sacrificial love, pursue sanctification, create a family (both spiritual and biological). Here are some questions that might help:
- Can I communicate well with this person? Do we (most of the time) understand each other?
- Do I enjoy this person’s company? Do we have enough to talk about?
- Are we attracted to each other?
- Is there sufficient overlap in our values and vision for life?
- Do we make a good team?
- Do our gifts and passions compliment each other?
- Could this person be my best friend?
If marriage is the only desirable status, then none of these questions matter. Simply find someone who shares your faith in Jesus, and marry them. But, I don’t think that’s the Bible’s view of marriage. In our culture, where there is freedom to choose who you marry, we should take that choice seriously. As we seek to date wisely, our standards should be higher than the bare minimum. Because, marriage is optional. Singleness is good. And so, we can afford to consider compatibility.
[1]https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/podcasts/tgc-podcast/singleness-marriage-family-god/
[2] There are instances when separation from your spouse is the good and right thing to do. For example, if you are in an abusive relationship (emotional, verbal, and/or physical), the best thing to do would be to separate: first for your safety, and also the ultimate good of your abusive spouse. Read more about the theology of Domestic Violence here. If you, or someone you know, is experiencing family and domestic violence please call 1800RESPECT (1800737732) or, for further information see: https://jerichoroad.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/Tip-Sheet-6-final.pdf
