Uncomfortable. That’s how most of us feel when we hear the word abuse. For some, it comes with cynicism: “everything gets called abuse these days”. For others, it comes with overwhelming compassion. For many, it makes us so uncomfortable we would rather not think about it. But think about it we must, for even in Christian communities it is close, it is catastrophic and it is complicated.[1]
It’s Close to Home
The key number to take in is one in four. The research shows that one in four Australian women will experience physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner at some point in their lives.[2] The prevalence of emotional abuse is similar. Let that sink in. In a church of two hundred adults (reflecting this national average) that would mean twenty-five women experiencing an abusive relationship at some point in their lives.
“But not in the church, right?”, our optimistic (or comfort-seeking) inner voices reassure us. In fact, there are factors that can mean Christian communities are not always safe places to be: an environment of high trust, where forgiveness is imperative, and in which teaching on male headship in marriage can lack clarity. Now add to this the reality that porn has shaped the brains of most men to some degree, even Christian men, and that people are more stressed and isolated than ever. There is some evidence that physical violence may be less common in Christian communities, but we also have to reckon with forms of abuse that are often harder to spot, such as emotional or psychological abuse. The question is likely not whether it’s happening in your church, but to whom.
It’s Catastrophic
The Bible describes the experience of abuse in the strongest terms. Consider some passages from the Old Testament. Deuteronomy likens the severity of rape to murder (Deut 22:26). Tamar, having been raped by her half-brother Amnon cries out “where could I get rid of my disgrace?” (2 Sam 14:13). Psalm 10 paints a damning picture of an abusive man:
His mouth is full of lies and threats …
like a lion in cover he lies in wait.
He lies in wait to catch the helpless;
he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.
His victims are crushed, they collapse;
they fall under his strength. (Psalm 10:7–10)
True, the Bible doesn’t directly address domestic abuse (although it may come very close—see Ex 21:7–11). As with so many topics, we need to go beyond proof texts. The Bible calls men to sacrificially serve their wives (Eph 5:25), to honour them and be considerate of them (1 Pet 3:8). Mutual concern and agreement is also a feature Christian marriage and intimacy (1 Cor 7:3–4). But we don’t need specific verses about domestic abuse to condemn it. If violence, lies and threats are wrong in general, how much more are they wrong in the gospel-imaging context of marriage? In fact, this context makes these behaviours all the more abhorrent and destructive. In domestic abuse, a deep betrayal of trust is involved. A God-given bond intended for safety and intimacy becomes a tool to inflict harm and perpetuate it. Can you imagine living with the person described in Psalm 10? His threats, lies and crushing strength used to control and dominate you? The psalmist cries out against this behaviour. So should we. Especially in the context of marriage.
Identifying Abuse Is Complicated
But it’s complicated. Identifying abuse is complicated. Applying biblical ethics is complicated. Knowing how to respond well to suspected abuse is complicated. But we should not steer clear of suspected abuse because of this complexity. Rather, we should spare a thought for the person whose experience is made all the more tortuous precisely because of it. Let this complexity arouse your compassion all the more. Unlike many of us, the victim doesn’t have the option of not thinking about it.
Domestic abuse can be difficult to identify. Often the victim of abuse doesn’t perceive their relationship as abusive. This isn’t because they’re stupid or content with their situation. Rather, as part of the abuse the victim has likely been made to think they are the problem. Also, it has become their normal. The onset may have been slow and subtle. Like the heat for the frog in the proverbial pot, the escalation may have been gradual. The person is also likely isolated and therefore not only lacking support but lacking a reference point of what a healthy relationship looks like. The abuse almost certainly includes a psychological dimension such that their confidence to assess reality is significantly undermined. Concerned enquiries may be met with “She’s having a hard time with her mental health, we’re getting her some help for that.” This may well be true: her mental deterioration arising from the abuse itself.
The Theological Ethics Is Complicated
As Bible people, we can feel a tension between our Christ-shaped compassion and our convictions about marriage. Doesn’t God hate divorce? we might ask. Well, sort of. That is to say, in general God stands opposed to the destruction of a marriage covenant. But if you mean to quote Malachi 2:16 (from where the phrase “God hates divorce” comes) then no, that’s not what it says.[3] Even if we do say God hates divorce, we must also say (on the basis of the same passage) that God hates violence. We must also remember that the LORD divorced his bride, Israel. The theological ethics is a bit more complicated.
What about 1 Peter 2:19? Isn’t it “commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God”? Again, sort of. If you’re a slave who has to choose between denying Jesus or being beaten for your faith, then absolutely be loyal to Jesus, at whatever cost (1 Pet 2:18–21). Peter’s counsel is to those experiencing unavoidable unjust suffering. Should we consider the suffering of domestic abuse unavoidable? Is that what God envisages for his daughters in marriage? Jesus spoke up when struck unjustly (Jn 18:23). Paul appealed to his rights to fair treatment (Acts 16:37, 25:11). Should women bear up under abuse at the hands of those God calls to sacrificially love them (Eph 5:25)?[4]
This is not to say that domestic abuse ought necessarily lead to divorce, any more than all adultery ought necessarily lead to divorce. But our consciences, so often struck like deer in the headlights with this tension, need not be so paralysed. We can always help someone find safety, divorce or no. In fact, love of the abused means we ought to. Further, the abuser is also not helped by the abuse being allowed to continue. Separation for safety can serve both parties.
Responding Well Is Complicated
“What if I am convinced someone is experiencing abuse, and that this behaviour is wrong in God’s sight, what then?” Again, it’s complicated. Each situation is different. Seeking input and guidance early and often is therefore critical. For me, having sought further advice, training and input has led to trying to enact the following principles as a start.[5]
We can’t just rely on intuition and what we think we know of the people in question. We can’t assume we know the abuser better than the victim does or that the victim is mistaken. We cannot conceive that a victim might in some way be deserving of the mistreatment. It may be that we need to get the victim to safety and call the police. But it’s important to follow the lead of the victim and what they’re comfortable with.[6] We need to be willing to listen compassionately and not shy away from asking thoughtful questions. Help them find good information and support. Get to know local resources and agencies. Most importantly, remind them of God’s compassionate heart for them. Of his desire for their dignity.
If you’re a Christian then you know first-hand that God is compassionate. It’s his compassion that led the Son to take on flesh and suffer so that we could be saved. Yes, it’s complicated; yes, it’s messy; yes, it’s costly. But Christ entered into complicated and messy for our salvation. To secure hope and restoration for our weary souls. He is present with his people and he gives comfort, wisdom, strength and hope. He sees the wrongdoing of abusers and will deal with them in his time and his way. But he invites us to draw near to the mistreated and broken-hearted, to enter their world, for his glory, just as he entered ours.
[1] This article, aimed in the first place at church leaders, is a brief treatment of a serious topic. Further reading, training and guidance is needed. One helpful report to consult is the Anglican Diocese of Sydney’s ‘Responding to Domestic Abuse: Policy and Good Practice Guidelines’ (2018).
[2] The same report gives the average for men as 1 in 8.
[3] Most modern translations have rightly removed this phrase since it stems from a misunderstanding of an ambiguity in the Hebrew text. In most contemporary translations (ESV, NIV, CSB) the passage says that for a man to divorce his wife (in the context, to trade her in for a newer model), is an act of hatred and violence done to one he ought to protect.
[4] Not to mention, we now live in a society in which physical abuse and coercive control are also prohibited by law.
[5] Again the Anglican Diocese of Sydney’s ‘Responding to Domestic Abuse: Policy and Good Practice Guidelines’ (2018) is worth consulting.
[6] Although note the mandatory reporting obligations regarding abuse of children.
