In the letter of James in the New Testament, God’s word teaches that we are to be slow to speak and quick to listen (James 1:19). Sadly, many of us, perhaps most of us, are quick to speak and slow to listen. We are not good listeners and the problem is that most of us think we are!
I read somewhere of a definition of listening: It is when two people are talking and the first one stops to draw breath—that one is called “the listener”! Unfortunately, that is often how we listen.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer brings an alternative approach. In writing about the Christian and listening in his book “Life Together”, he says,
“The first service one owes to others in the community involves listening to them. Just as our love for God begins with listening to God’s word, the beginning of love for other Christians is learning to listen to them. God’s love for us is shown by the fact that God not only gives us God’s word, but also lends us God’s ear. We do God’s work for our brothers and sisters when we learn to listen to them. So often Christians, especially preachers, think that their only service is always to have to ‘offer’ something when they are together with other people. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking. Many people seek a sympathetic ear and do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking even when they should be listening.”[1]
Hugh Mackay writes that when we listen, it is an act of generosity.
“When we listen, we are being remarkably generous: we are offering the other person the gift of understanding; the gift of acceptance (even if not agreement); the gift of taking that other person seriously.”[2]
So how can we be better listeners? There are some basic skills that we can use: non-verbal listening skills such as eye contact, smiling, nodding, leaning forward slightly, perhaps even not having our mobile phones in the vicinity!
We can also show we are listening using techniques like reflective listening and asking a few fact-finding questions.
The bottom line in all that we are doing in the ministry of pastoral care, whatever our context, is to love the people the Lord has given us. This springs from the exhortations as well as the model given to us in Scripture. Jesus teaches his disciples that they should love each other as he has loved them (John 13:34), Paul prays “that your love (love for God, love for others) may abound more and more” (Philippians 1:9–11) and Peter writes “love one another deeply, from the heart” (1 Peter 1:22).
To cite Bonhoeffer again,
“Christians have forgotten that the ministry of listening has been committed to them by him who is himself the great listener and whose work they should share. We should listen with the ears of God that wemay speak the Word of God.”[3]
[1] Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together (London: SCM, 1972), 75.
[2] Hugh Mackay, Why Don’t People Listen? Solving the Communication Problem (Sydney: Pan Australia, 1994), 146.
[3] Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together (London: SCM, 1972), 75.
