Many years ago, I had a fractious friendship filled with misunderstanding and hurt. I often found myself revisiting what went wrong and wondering what I could have done differently. It made me on edge in my other relationships too—constantly worried about offending; second-guessing my actions and motives. To this day I cannot recall that friendship without pangs of pain.
In more recent years, I’ve experienced a wide range of deep friendships. What has characterised them all has been—among many things—deep healing.
They’ve helped me trust others and myself better. More still, they have reflected the One in whom I can have complete trust and confidence. I no longer carry the daily anxious burden, “what would she think?” Instead, I more readily turn to Micah 6:8—what does the Lord require of me? To act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God.
Relationships Can Hurt
These experiences meant I found Dr Jonathan Andrews’ book The Reconnected Heart: How Relationships Can Help Us Heal particularly compelling and recognisable, beginning with the back cover description.
Andrews points out that relational breakdowns “can be the deepest and most disruptive of all psychological conditions, leading to deep feelings of betrayal, worthlessness, shame, and alienation.”
For many, these words will resonate deeply.
The pain is sharp. The memories are fresh.
All which makes the next sentence seem incongruous: “But there is hope.”
Dr Andrews writes, “While it is true that relationships can hurt us, they can also heal us.”
Reconciling the idea that more relationship could be the answer to broken relationship may be too much to swallow for some. Yet, I would encourage them to persevere – starting with reading The Reconnected Heart.
The Reconnected Heart
Dr Jonathan Andrews
While it is true that relationships can hurt us, they can also heal us. Your heart can mend by connecting with yourself, connecting with safe and understanding people, and connecting with the God who created you and longs to love you in the midst of your pain.
Using his 20 years of experience as a practising clinical psychologist, together with biblical foundations, insights from literature and scientific evidence, Dr Jonathan Andrews will lead you through the steps of healing. He will guide you through the chaos of psychological injuries caused by disconnection and towards a reconnected heart-and set you up for a life of trust, self-esteem, honour and belonging.
Relationships Can Heal
From the very beginning, Andrews stays right beside the reader. In many ways, his presence in the pages of his book mirrors his practice as a psychologist: gracious questions and a gentle, reassuring manner.
In part one, Andrews tells the story of four individuals whose life circumstances and relationships have left them emotionally or psychologically injured. He carries the threads of their stories throughout the book, revisiting them at times alongside the stories of others.
The hope for a reconnected heart is picked up as soon as chapter two and unpacked most in part three. The journey towards heart-level change begins by creating three-point relationships with God (chapter six), with others (chapter seven), and with ourselves (chapter eight).
Understanding Relational Pain
The journey towards heart-level change begins by creating three-point relationships with God, others, and ourselves.
Perhaps the most difficult section to read is part two: How Relationships Hurt. For some it will be painful to read and process. But the benefits of understanding the impact of injuries far outweigh the temporary reprieve of hiding from them—especially with Dr Andrews’ careful, gentle guidance.
He offers helpful tools for a better understanding of ourselves and the injuries that have helped form us:
- Pain inflicted through action and inaction (chapter three);
- Connection injuries (chapter four); and
- Understanding the four languages of our hearts (chapter five).
One such tool is Andrews’ acronym SMART. An individual can document a Situation that caused distress, and their Mood, Actions, Reaction, and Thinking at the time. As Andrews illustrates through examples from his clinical work, this provides great insight.
What often seems to be an inexplicable response can turn out to be a symptom of what is on our hearts. Uncovering this is a fundamental step in knowing how to move toward healing.
What often seems to be an inexplicable response can turn out to be a symptom of what is on our hearts
Hope in Healing
Part three: How Relationships Heal offers much hope and joy. Having established what causes hurt and how we naturally self-protect in ways that are not conducive to healing, Andrews offers an alternative approach.
Deep and rewarding connection requires a solid pyramid of safe relationships, regular positive connection, and some fairly brave steps that include facing disconnection and forgiveness. Throughout, Andrews does not absolve us of responsibility. Although relational pain may have been caused by others, there is much opportunity to recognise our own contributions to broken relationships.
The Reconnected Heart is written to a secular audience as much as it is to a Christian one, but Andrews doesn’t shy away from examining what it means to be connected to God.
Too often in Christian commentary on relational trauma, diagnosis of the problem outweighs practical offerings of solution. A “Jesus saves” band-aid is slapped on and the reader is sent on their way.
Andrews offers more.
Too often … A “Jesus saves” band-aid is slapped on and the reader is sent on their way. Andrews offers more.
He not only relates the gospel in a gentle and beautiful telling, but he also presents ways to recognise and establish connection with God, others, and ourselves. Within a biblical framework of understanding abuse and relational harm, he provides practical guidance in moving past harmful relationships and establishing appropriate boundaries.
In reading The Reconnected Heart I was able to recognise a journey I have taken. I also learned new things about myself and others that have been helpful in how I interact and care. Best of all, I have been reminded how deep joy comes through knowing Christ and allowing Him to reveal and heal my heart.
Yes, relationships hurt. But relationships also heal. It is worth finding out how. The Reconnected Heart is a great place to start.
You can hear more from Dr. Jonathan Andrews on episode 92 of The Lydia Project: Conversations with Christian Women. Use code LYDIA15 to purchase The Reconnected Heart at a 15% discount from The Wandering Bookseller.
